


So Long as We Have Hands to Clasp

by StripedSunhat



Category: How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000), How the Grinch Stole Christmas! - Dr. Seuss
Genre: Cross-Generational Friendship, Developing Friendships, Dialogue-Only, Fluff and Humor, Found Family, Gen, Max is the Best Dog, Not in Rhyme, Unconventional Families, don't worry that's only the summary, the Grinch is Either the Best Uncle or the Worst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28073223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StripedSunhat/pseuds/StripedSunhat
Summary: Cindy Lou Who, when she was no more than two,Went searching for Santa, to say 'how do you do'.She went north of Whoville, all on her own,And found a dog and a Grinch who lived all alone.The Grinch he was grinchy, and wanted her gone,So Cindy Lou left, but didn't say away long.She kept coming back and ringing his bell,Coaxing him out of his mean, grinchy shell.After so long (four years from our start),She carved out a space in his old, too-small heart.He cared far too much, he couldn't pretend,Through all those years and those bells, they'd both made a friend.
Relationships: The Grinch & Cindy Lou Who
Comments: 11
Kudos: 26





	1. Probably Lives Up There to Avoid Taxes

*Ding-Dong*

**. . .**

*Ding-Dong*

**. . .**

*Ding-D–*

_Go Away!_

Santa?

what.

Santa? Lost.

I wish. The fat man’s got the internal compass of a homing pigeon.

I lost. I lost!

Oh. Well that’s a different story. Send the search dogs! Call the national guard! _Scram!_

**. . .**

**. . .**

*Ding-Dong*

Santa?

Where’s my– oh. Broken. Just great. **Get lost!!**

I lost.

First of all kid, it’s not **_I_** _lost_ , it’s **_I’m_** _lost_. Second of all, I don’t care. Beat it!

I’m lost.

I. Don’t. Care.

**. . .**

Santa?

No.

Hungry.

There’s a week-old banana peel over by the rock that looks like a bofa. Knock yourself out.

**. . .**

*Ding-Dong*

Santa?

Are you still _here?_ Shouldn’t you have run home to mommy by now?

Cold.

Well no duh. Snow is cold. Mountains are cold. Snow covered mountains are really cold. And it’s only going to get colder with the sun going down.

I’m lost.

**. . .**

San–

*Cl-thunk* *Creeeek*

…The dog’s going to lead you back to Whoville’s main square. From there you’re somebody else’s problem.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Ding-Dong*

Santa?

You again?  
_Clearly repairing the child trap has to bump up higher on my to do list._

*Ding-Dong*

I’m NOT Santa.

*Ding-Dong*

Santa?

*Cl-thunk* *Creeeek*

The dog is leaving now. Follow him.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Ding-Dong*

Oh sweet S– You’re _back?_ What are you _doing_ here?

Santa?

Hhhnnnughhh… Out of completely idle curiosity, **_why_** do you think I’m Santa?

Santa lives North. You live North. You Santa!

Again, first of all, it’s not **_you_** _Santa_ , it’s **_you’re_** _Santa_. Sec–

Santa!

No! I’m not him!

…Santa?

No No No!!

_Santa._

MAAAXXX!! ESCORT DUTY!!

**_Santa._ **

**NOW!!!**

Santa?

…What’s your name, my dear?

Cindy Lou Who!

Cindy Lou Who. I’ll remember that. Now Miss Who I think it’s time you went home. Follow the doggy.

*Cl-thunk* *Creeeek*

Hi Max!

woeff!

Yes, yes. Max will take you home now.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[Hidy-ho there! You’ve reached the answering machine of Betty and Lou Who! We’re sorry we missed you but leave us a holler on the machine and we’ll get back to you just as absolutely soon as we can! Remember, only twelve days until Christmas!]

Lou Who? Seriously? Your name is _Lou Who_ and you chose to name your daughter _Cindy Lou Who??_ And I thought that name was bad before. Anyhoo, this is Santa. I’m just calling to let you know little Cindy isn’t getting anything for Christmas this year. Not even coal. She doesn’t deserve even that. Why? Because she’s the absolute worst little brat I’ve ever seen in my life. Ever. So, no presents for her. I suggest burning anything you’ve already bought for her. If, by some chance, new presents do show up it means she must have blackmailed some of the elves. Best to burn those too, or you’ll be complicit. Remember, I’m watching. Kisses!

~ ~ ~ ~

*Ding-Dong*

* _sniff_ * Santa?

Seriously?

Santy Claus, why?

Cutesy nicknames now, really? We’ve reached _that_ point?

Why Santy Claus, why?

Didn’t my message explain it to you?

I fix?

Hhhnnnuuggghhh… First of all, it’s not **_I_** _fix_ , because you **can’t**. *Cl-thunk* *Creeeek* I’m not Santa I’m the Grinch!

Y– Y– Y–

Yes! The Grinch! ~Ta-Da!!~ Screaming, while not necessary, is appreciated.

You not Santa?

Did we not _just_ cover that?

So… presents?

_Commercialism at its finest people_.  
Alright! We’ve established I’m not Santa, so you’ll continue to feed your insatiable yuletide greed unimpeded. And now that we’ve established I’m **not** Santa you can leave and never come back. Max!! Escort Duty!

Okay! Bye not Santa!

Goodbye small vermin!

*Thump Thump thump th…*

_And good riddance._

*Creee-thud*

~ ~ ~ ~

*Click*

Whoville Emergency Services, how may I help you?

Someone left a box on my front step. It’s full of small, round, golden brown… things. I’ve broken down one and analyzed it. It appears to mostly be made of flour, sugar, butter, eggs…

Sir, it sounds like you’re describing… Christmas Cookies?

That’s what I was afraid of. Tell me honestly, do you think someone’s trying to poison me?

…No…?

I’m not so sure. Every single one of these so-called ‘cookies’ was somehow both burnt and raw at the same time.

Sir, just because they’re poorly baked doesn’t mean whoever sent them was trying to poison you.

You misunderstand. That was the only point in their favor. Clearly it was meant as a bait to lure me into trying one. BUT I WILL NOT BE DECIEVED!!!

*Click* *rrnng…rrnng…rrnng…rrnng…rrnng…rrnng…*

Did they just– Max! They hung up on me! The _nerve!_

*Click*


	2. Cute Kid, Bad Judge of Character

*Ding-Dong*

What do you wa– You again? Oh come on!!! Christmas is oooovvvveeerrr!! And anyway, didn’t we establish last time that I’m _not_ actually Santa?

Hi!

Goooo awwwaaaayyyyy!!

You get cookies?

Those were from y– Wait, what am I saying, _of course_ they were from you, who else would they have been from.

You like cookies?

No.

Oh.

They were deeply disturbing. And I’m still not sure they weren’t poisoned.

I sorry…

First of all kid, it’s not **_I_** _sorry_ it’s **_I’m_** _sorry._ Second of all– Hey how old are you anyway?

Two.

Two.

Uh-huh. Two!

There is a two-year-old on my front step asking me if I liked the Christmas cookies she made me. Clearly I’m hallucinating. Maybe I hit my head and passed out. Maybe I’m in a coma. Maybe I’ve been in one for weeks and missed Christmas entirely! Wouldn’t that me something. Best Christmas in years!

Mr. Grinch?

I should really try to fall into a coma every Christmas.

Hello?

Although if she’s here then I’m still _in_ the coma…

*Ding-Dong*

Hello? Mr. Grinch?

…if that’s the case I need to come up with a way to wake myself up out of it… Maybe if I…

*Ding-Dong*

Mr. Grinch?

*BZZZZZTTT* OW!!! Son of a – Okay, probably not a coma. That means she’s a hallucination.

*Ding-Dong*

A very _persistent_ hallucination.

*Ding-Dong*

woeff!

Max don’t encourage the hallucination.

ruff!

No I’m not opening the door, deal with it.

ruff-ruff!

I know I haven’t finished the dog door. It’s on the list I just haven’t gotten to it yet.

ruff!

Well if that’s how you’re going to be maybe I’ll just drop it off the list entirely.

rrRRRrrr…

AAAA!!! MAX, NO BITING!

*Cl-thunk* *Creeeek*

There. There’s your open door. Go play fetch with the imaginary toddler.

woeff-woeff!

Hi Max!

…who’s really there.

Hi Mr. Grinch!

**. . .**

You want to play fetch too?

**. . .**

**. . .**

No.

*Creee-thud*

~ ~ ~ ~

*Ding-Dong*

Mr. Grinch?

Aaaaand she’s back.

Can I come in?

You are never ever, _ever ever ever,_ allowed in my house.

You want to play fetch?

She’s really not too bright, is she?

*Ding-Dong*

This is my life now, isn’t it? I can see it now, stretching out into eternity. An endless parade of doorbells and the world’s most single-minded toddler. Coming back and back, again and again. Like a plague or that horrible office gift that keeps getting regifted. And it’ll just keep happening until I finally lose my mind. And then even past that. Never to end, never to cease.

ruff!

Shut up. I’m not overdramatic you are.

Fetch?

No.

**. . .**

**. . .**

*Ding-Dong*

Mr. Grinch?

*Cl-thunk* *Creeeek*

Alright. Here’s what going to happen. Just this **_once_** I am going let Max out. You are going to play with him. Then you are going to go **home.**

Like last time?

woeff!

Fine! Yes like last time. Except **_this_** time you’re not going to ever come back. Got it?

You want to play too?

First of all, it’s not _You want to play too_ , it’s **_Do_** _you want to play too_. Unless you’re going for hypnotism which, frankly, I don’t think you have the chops for. Second of all, no.

Next time?

No! There will be no next time!

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[Hidy-ho there! You’ve reached the answering machine of Betty and Lou Who! We’re sorry we missed you but leave us a holler on the machine and we’ll get back to you just as absolutely soon as we can! Remember, only three-hundred fifty-six days until Christmas!]

Why hell~oo there Mr. and Mrs. Who. It’s four thirty-five pm. Do you know where your daughter is? Because I do. She’s standing in my front yard playing fetch with my dog for the FIFTH TIME this _WEEK!!_ Have you not taught her anything about _boundaries?_ And where are you for all this? Just letting your child run willy nilly up to strangers with no parental supervision whatsoever! She’s **two** for crying out loud!! ~ _Oh it’ll be fine I’m sure our precious little Cindy Lou is perfectly fine and not harassing a total stranger for no reason!~_ **Control! Your! Child!** I mean honestly!

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[I’m not coming to the phone right now. Not because I can’t but because I don’t care. Leave a message at your own peril.]

Mr. Grinch? You called us so I’m calling you. Mommy says I should apologize for bothering you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you. I liked playing fetch with Max. Bye.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[I know where you live. I know where you sleep. Now that you’ve called me, there is no escape. Start running. Don’t stop. Oh! If this is Larry’s Hazardous Materials, Thursdays will be fine.]

What are haz~ard~ous mat~er~ials? Why are you getting them? They sound dangerous. Say hi to Max for me.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[Wrong number. DON’T try again.]

Mr. Grinch? Do you play fetch with Max? He likes the red ball better than the green one. It bounces better.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[This number has been disconnected. Because of you. Also, they have moved. Again because of you. Probably because you called too much. Sheesh, clingy much?]

Mr. Grinch? Do you ever take Max for walks? Your mountain’s pretty. He’d pro’lly really like it.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[Take. A HINT.]

I could walk Max. It’s not fetch. I won’t bother you. It’d be nice. And fun.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[You’re ugly and unwanted and a disgrace to your family. And that sweater does in fact make you look fat.]

I miss Max. He’s friendly. And his fur’s really soft. I miss you too. You’re mean but you’re funny.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[Hidy-ho there! You’ve reached the answering machine of Betty and Lou Who! We’re sorry we missed you but leave us a holler on the machine and we’ll get back to you just as absolutely soon as we can! Remember, only three-hundred fifty days until Christmas!]

**Stop. Calling me.**


	3. Those Whos are Hard of Frazzle

*Ding-Dong*

 _You._ *Cl-thunk* *Creeeek* Aren’t you under strict no bothering orders from your parents?’

**. . .**

Well? All the times you’ve invaded my front step and all the pointless messages you’ve left and _now_ you run out of words? Out with it. You hauled your butt back up here for a reason and it’d better be a good one.

**. . .**

~I’m waiting.~

My brothers said you kidnapped a puppy and are going to eat him.

what.

You’re not going to eat Max, are you?

…That’s why you’re here? A couple of nimrods you share parents with told you I’m going to eat Max and you just blindly bought into it. Great, just great. Now I’ve got preschool PETA at my doorstep.  
_THIS is what I get for not hiring a publicist._ _The Onceler doesn’t have to deal with this crap anymore._  
Right. First of all, you can’t kidnap something that’s been abandoned. Let’s get that straight now. Okay?

Okay.

Good.

Second of all?

What makes you think there’s a second of all?

You always have a second of all. First of all, second of all.

I don’t always have a second of all. And even if I did how would you know?

ruff!

I don’t use that phrase _all the time_ you’re just exaggerating.

Yes you do.

Called out by a two-year-old.

Three.

Huh?

I’m three.

Noooo… You’re two. I very specifically remember you telling me you were two.

I’m three.

So you were _lying_ last time?

No!

Then how do you explain it?

I had a birthday!

Oh yeah, those are things, aren’t they? Oh well.

**. . .**

Second of all?

 _It’s the thing that won’t leave._  
Second of all, I’m not going to eat Max. I was never going to eat Max. He’s far too stringy.

ruff-ruff!

It’s true. You’re all fur and bones. I keep telling you to bulk up but you never listen to me.

ruff!!

What do you mean ‘not enough pork chops’? I provide a perfectly balanced diet and you know it.

ruff!

It’s not my fault you’re so damn picky. I can’t do anything with him I swear. Also, seriously what is wrong with your brothers? Either they don’t really believe I was going to make dog soup, in which case they’re little sadists terrorizing you for their own amusement. If so, good for them, I approve. Or they really do believe it and since they aren’t here with you they’re willing to let fido get flambéed. Oh sure you’re giggling now. But you weren’t when you got up here, were ya? _No._ _You weren’t._ I assume by the fact that you’re willing to take anything they say as gospel that they’re your older brothers?

Uh-huh. They’re the best!

You might want to consider finding other role models considering they both have demonstrably less moral fiber than a three-year-old.

Mo~ral Fi~ber. Like bran muffins?

…Yes. Exactly like that.

**. . .**

Okay! As you can see I’m not going eat Max.

Max is a good dog.

I wouldn’t go that far.

ruff-ruff!

No one asked you.

He’s the best dog.

No one asked you either.

ruff!

Don’t listen to him. He’s just jealous. You are the best dog. And you know it. Because you’re smartest dog too. You’re the bestest dog ever.

woeff-woeff!

We’ve now reached the portion of our show where we shall stand outside in the snow watching a toddler heap praises upon an undeserving mutt.

ruff!

You’re funny.

So you said in one of your messages. _Soo_ very glad I could appeal to the humor of an infant.

**. . .**

**. . .**

You can go now.

…oh. Right.

**. . .**

Anytime now.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you. Sorry.

*Thump Thump thump th…*

rroorouu…

Stop pouting. It’s beneath you.

**. . .**

_I must be going crazy._  
Stop!

Huh?

Wait here.

Mr. Grinch, wh–

Uh-uh-uh. Shush. I’m already questioning my sanity enough without you adding to it. *Thump Thump thump th…*

*…ump thump Thump Thump* Here.

**. . .**

You said the red one’s his favorite, didn’t you?

R-Really?

Yeah yeah you’re pitiful and I’ve clearly lost my mind. Whatever. My advice kid is to take advantage of it before I come to my senses.

You’re the best Mr. Grinch! Come on Max!

woeff-woeff!

Do **_not_** expect this to be a regular thing!! Got it?

~ ~ ~ ~

Bye Mr. Grinch! I’ll be back to play fetch with Max tomorrow!

~I’ve lost control of my life entirely.~

Come on Max!

woeff!

Wh– Don’t _follow_ her! She knows the way, she can take herself!

ruff!

Don’t you take that tone with me!

~ ~ ~ ~

*…ump thump thump Thump Th–* *pnk*

*wEOweOWeo…* *wrr–Snap* *…WEowEOw…* Mr. Grinch! *…eOWeoWEow…* *chkchkchk ch-clink* *…EOweOWe…* Help!! *…oWEowEO…*

*…weOWeoWEo…* Haha! Yes!! *… wEOweO… * I did it! *…WeoWEowEOw…*

*…eOWeoWEowEO…* _**Mr. Grinch!!**_ *…weOWeoWEo…*

*…wEOweOWeo…* Oh calm down. *WEowEOwe– clck* You’re fine.

I– what?

Finally got around to fixing my child trap. Man, let me tell you it’s been on the list for _waaay_ too long. You let one thing slip and next thing you know the whole place is falling down around your ears. Good execution time. I wasn’t sure about the coiling force of the springs but clearly I was worrying over nothing. Suspension’s holding well. Could probably do with a tighter weave net. Far too many flailing limbs. That was the problem last time. Maybe I should have kept the launcher feature…

Mr. Grinch? Can you let me down?

Eh. You’re marginally less stupid than the rest of those holly-headed morons. Figure it out yourself. *Creee-thud*

rrRRRrrr…

 _Whaaat?_ It’s good for kids to learn independence. If she hasn’t figured it out in an hour I’ll come cut her down.

AAAA!! No!! Bad dog!! Just for that you can stay out here with her!

*Creeeek* Arf!!! *Creee-thud*

~ ~ ~ ~

*…ump thump thump Thump* *skrch* *skrch* *pnk*

*weOWeoWeo…* *wrr–Snap* *…WEowEOw…* *chkchkchk ch-clink* *eOWeoWEow…*

*…EOweOWe…* You damn vagrants get off my– what. *…oWEowEO…*

*weOWeoWEo…* Hi Mr. Grinch! *…wEOweO…*

*…WeoWEowEOw–clck* I kinda figured the child trap might finally scare you off.

Nope!

Of course not. That would be too easy. Hey shouldn’t you be stuck flailing around in a net right now?

I used this!

A big stick. You got around my perfectly crafted trap with a big. Stick. Where did you even get this from?

I found it on the ground on my way here.

…which you found on your way here. Welp, this is useless. *Whack* *Chkrckrk* *Whack* *Crnch*

…Mr. Grinch? *Whack* *Chrcknk* Why are you hitting your machine?

Because it’s cr– _oop! Can’t swear in front of the kiddies!_ – Junk. A piece of ju– wait, why do **_I_** care about not swearing in front of kids? – Crap. It’s a great big piece of crap!

Daddy says that’s a bad word.

What, crap? Well that’s what it is. *Whack* *Crkrgkck* Crap! *Whack* * Crcknck* _Crap!_ *Whack* *Crckrgrk* **_Crap!_**

Stop it!

No. *Whack* * Chrnkch* Ooh that was a good one!

It’s not crap!

* _Gasp_ * _You Said a Bad Word!!_

You said it first!

That I did! I’m a bona fide bad influence! Still crap though. Wanna help me push it off a cliff?

It’s Not Crap.

 _Eeerrnt_ Wrongo! It is the very definition of crap. Useless junk that does not work. Ergo, crap.

You made it. So it can’t be crap.

It is a child trap. Are you a child?

Yes?

Are you trapped?

No?

Then it failed. And it’s crap.

How do you know it can’t trap other kids?

Don’t be stupid. Y…ou are absolutely right. We need to test this. Right now. We can take it down into town, set it up, test it out properly. *clunk* … It’s fine. I’ll reattach it when we get there. Max! Go get the tool kit and meet us at the sewage sign! You, grab that for me.

Wh–

I’d have Max bring it but dog slobber and exposed wires do not a good combination make, let me tell you. Now where should we put this thing? I’m thinking in front of a day care. You’re small and annoying, you wouldn’t happen to know where we could find one of those, would you?

Uh–

Right, what am I saying, your parents don’t know the first thing about proper supervision, let alone organized childcare.

Mr. Grinch!

What! Whatever it is, can’t it wait until I _don’t_ have a couple hundred pounds of metal in my arms?

What are we doing?

We’re doing exactly what you said, we’re going to go trap some children. And if it still doesn’t work we’ll have Max haul it back up so we can push it off the cliff.

And if it does work?

Camouflage it in the bushes next to the school’s recess yard.


	4. I Could Use a Little Social Interaction

I Could Use a Little Social Interaction

*Ding-Dong*

*Cl-thunk* *Creeeek*

Hi Mr. Grinch!

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I got three full days of peace I was overdue for a visit from the world’s most annoying girl scout.

I’m not a Girl Scout.

That’s the part you latched on to? Eh whatever. If you’re going to be here I might as well put you to use as a spy. Has the child trap mark ten been discovered yet?

Yeah. But not before it caught half of Ms. Spats-Who second grade class!

Great! That’s twice the capacity of last time! And the super-sticky slime bombs rigged to the mayor’s car?

Slime bombs?

We’ll mark that as a failure.

woeff!

Hi Max! Do you want to play fetch?

woeff-woeff!

Let’s go!

Hold it! Don’t you think you should ask _me_ before you frolic off with my dog? **_Again?_**

You fin’lly want to play fetch with us?

No. Of course I don’t. I’d rather have my teeth pulled without any novocaine than join in on your pointless –urgh, _frolicking_. But that doesn’t mean it’s not still rude not to even offer!

ruff!

 _I know I’d do it anyway that’s not the point._ You know what, go. Shoo. I don’t have to take this.

You’re silly, Mr. Grinch.

Whelp. It’s official. I’ve lost all control over my home.

Come on Max!

I’ve got very important experiments running on the north side of the mountain! If either of you knock over any of my equipment I’ll throw you down the trash shoot!!

~ ~ ~ ~

So. I’ve been thinkin’.

woeff-woeff!

No I didn’t strain anything! I don’t have to take this kinda lip. I am the supreme lord of my domain and you’re just a mutt. You are the **pet** in this relationship here. And I am the master. _You_ obey _me_ , got it?

ruff!

I should have sold you to the glue factory when I had the chance.

You were thinking Mr. Grinch…?

Oh, right. Good to see _somebody_ around here listens to what I have to say. So anyway, I’ve been thinking. _Cindy Lou Who_. It’s too cute by half. It’s disgusting.

I like my name.

Of course you do.

ruff!

Thank you. See? Max likes it too.

woeff!

Clearly I’m the only one with any taste around here.

Maybe your taste is just weird.

Immediately resorting to personal attacks against your opponent, I approve. Anyway. Back to _my_ point. It’s become increasingly clear that I’m unable to get rid of you – you’re like a termite, except those at least are good for a snack. It’s bad enough to have an _~adorable little moppet~_ – ugh, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little – invading my house but a moppet named _Cindy-Lou Who._ Nope. Not doing it. I’ve got some dignity left.

ruff-ruff!

I do so have dignity. You got a nickname?

Mommy calls me her gingerbread princess.

Uurrrggh. **No.**

Daddy calls me his little snowflake.

That’s even worse.

My brothers sometimes call me Cindy Sunshine.

Your entire family is deranged. We’ll work on it. We’ll come up with a proper nickname for you yet!

~ ~ ~ ~

Hi Mr. Grinch!

Go away. I’m very busy.

What’s your catapult doing on your front yard?

I’m fixing it.

But– I saw the police threw it in the garbage.

You did. They did. I fished it back out. And now I’m fixing it. The whoolygear’s too tight and the ringamaround isn’t compensating. Or maybe it’s overcompensating. Hell if I know. Wait, why am I explaining any of this to you? Go away I’m busy.

I could play fetch with Max.

woeff!

Yeah sure whatever, knock yourself out. Literally, if at possible.

**. . .**

*whrrr… sh-chnchnchn–crack* *chrcrk drukknch*

Useless piece of crap!

Couldn’t you make the net bigger?

Oh _suuure_ if I want the whole thing to overbalance and fall over.

What if you make the bottom wider? I made a popsicle stick Christmas tree in school but it kept falling over. Then Daddy glued a piece of cardboard to the bottom and then it had no problem standing up.

Look… Because your little town down there is an absolute _disaster_ of urban planning, there are at least three streets that are only 1½ smoots wide that you **need** to be able to go down if you want to pelt the mayor’s house and make a clean escape without having to worry about detouring around literally half the city. The catapult is already 1.3 smoots wide. So if I make it any bigger…

You won’t be able to drive it.

Exactly. Hey, look at that, Teachable Moment!

If we can’t make it bigger, what if we made the bottom heavier like the heavy beads in Mrs. Whobriggin’s crochet snowmen.

Can’t. The axles wouldn’t be able to handle that much extra weight.

What about making the top lighter? Like how we decorate the top of the Christmas tree with the lighter ornaments not the heavy ones.

Does everything you think of come with a Christmas story?

I… don’t know?

We’ll work on it. And we can’t do that either. It needs to be strong enough to hold the ammo.

What if you threw it up?

Come again?

What if instead of having the catapult throw down at the ground, it threw up at the sky. And then it would come back down on its own but far away!

You…… Are a genius! We’ll have to scrap the entire thing, redesign it all the way down to the ground but when we’re done it just might work! Come on! To the drawing table, we need to pull up some blueprints and get going!

**. . .**

Well? This was your idea. Are you coming or not?

You’ve said I’m not allowed inside.

When have I ever said you weren’t allowed inside?

Eighteen different times.

~ _Eighteen different times.~_ It was a rhetorical question.

What’s a rhetorical question?

It’s a question you’re not supposed to answer. Or else you explode!! Guts and tinsel everywhere. Not pretty.

…I don’t believe you.

Profiling already I see. If you’re not careful I’ll rescind my gracious invitation. In fact, no tour for you. You can stand out here and freeze with the mutt.

If I say sorry I can come in?

That depends… are you really sorry or are you just saying it to pacify me while really internally making fun of me?

…the… second one?

Good. Never apologize, remember that. And if you absolutely have to, make it as insincere as possible. Got it?

Got it!

I knew you weren’t horribly stupid. Now, how about a tour. We can start with the pit I stare into whenever I feel a wave of existential despair…

~ ~ ~ ~

*Ding-Dong*

**. . .**

Mr. Grinch?

*Ding-Dong*

Mr. Grinch are you home?

*Ding-D–*

*Cl-thunk* *Creeeek*

Sheesh. You have all the patience of a hopped up squirrel, you know that?

Hi! Is Max inside?

Nope, back up. We’re not doing that today.

Then what are we–

We’re raiding the dump! If we’re going to allow you to stick around we’re going to put you to work! You’re small and lightweight, you can climb to the top of the garbage towers and fish out the useful stuff without them toppling on top of you. Eh, probably. Don’t worry, if that happens I’ll catch you. Probably.

How will I know what’s useful?

I’ll tell you what to grab. I’m sure you’ll start to get a handle on what to look for after a few trips.

You mean we’ll get to do this again?

Sure. If this works you really think I’m going to give up the free labor? Max! You got the bags?

Then let’s get going! Hey so I’ve been giving the whole nickname thing some more thought. Whadda think of ‘Cinders’?

~ ~ ~ ~

*Click*

Whoville Emergency Services, how may I help you?

It’s happened again!

Um, sir? Um, what… happened?

There’s another box of cookies on my step!

Cookies?

Yes!! This is the second year in a row!

…One moment sir.  
_Grace! It’s the cookie guy!_

_No way._

_Yes way! Take it!_

_What! Why me?_

_You dealt with him last time._

_I’m not taking–_  
Hello sir, what can I do for you?

Cookie. Guy?

Um…

 **Cookie. Guy?** Well I never– The absolute– Is that all I am to you? The butt of some _joke?_

Sir–

I’ve never been so insulted in my _Life!_

_Sir–_

**NO!** What kind of emergency service are you _running_ here? For the second year in a row someone has tried to poison me! There is very clearly a long-running plot against my life and what do you do? Nothing! Laugh, and call me names! This is a very serious issue which you are **_ignoring!_** **_So you can MOCK me!!_**

Sir, I really don’t think anyone is trying to poison you with Christmas cookies.

Well you would think that wouldn’t you!

*Click*

Hrumph! I can’t believe it Max. Some emergency services they are! Soft, the whole lot of them. Wouldn’t know what to do with a real emergency if it bit them in the ass. Someone should really whip them into shape. Come on Max! We’ve got some chaos to cause!

ruff-ruff!

Don’t give me that! We’re practically providing a public service! Now come on! I think we’ll start with breaking the sewer line in the mayor’s office…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: a smoot is in fact a real unit of measurement.


	5. One Man's Toxic Sludge is Another Man's Potpourri

I _HATE_ YOU!!!

Paul Whoover…

I _HATE_ YOU!!!

What are you doing?

Screaming my aggression into the universe. Wanna give it a try?

Mommy says you shouldn’t say you hate someone unless you really, really mean it.

Do you always listen to what your mommy says?

Yes?

Well fortunately for your mother I don’t say I hate someone unless I really, really mean it too. Now where was I?

Ginger Whoovey…

I **_HATE_** YOU!!!

You’re reading from a phone book.

Exactly. Sure you don’t want to have a go? Primal screams are good for you.

No… thank you…?

Eh, suit yourself.

~ ~ ~ ~

*BOOOM*

Wooo!! Now that was something wasn’t it? And that, Cinders, is why we always use safety equipment.

I’m sorry.

Sorry? What are you sorry for? You didn’t get hurt, did you?

No–

I _told_ you if you want to help you have to wear the safety gear. I don’t care if the wielding gloves are bigger than your entire arm you are wearing them. Alright what happened? Are you bleeding? If you’re bleeding I’m not responsible.

* _sniff sniff_ *

No. No crying. I do **not** do crying.

* _sniff hiccup_ *

Stop it!

* _sniff_ * I’m sorry. I– * _hiccup sniff_ * I– * _hiccup_ *

 _ **NO.**_ Right. You clearly have internal bleeding somewhere. That is the only answer to this. MAX!!! GET THE MED KIT!!

I’m not hurt.

Then why the hell are you sniffling?!

…it blew up.

…That’s **_it?_**

 _But it blew up!!_ * _sniff_ * I messed up and ruined it.

Are you _kidding?_ First of all, you nearly gave me a damn heart attack, I did _not_ need that today. Never cry around me unless you’re hurt again. Actually, just never cry around me at all. Second of all, did you see how high that sucker flew? That was our best launch yet!

So it was supposed to blow up?

No but I’ve never let that stop me! Come on, you can give me a hand fixing it up and I can show you what went wrong.

~ ~ ~ ~

Time to test your knowledge. Show me a rotating bangle-hammer.

Um… This one!

Right. Filigree drill bit?

This one!

Correct. Left-handed oscillating wrench

Um… um…

Well…?

Uh… This one?

Are you asking me or telling me?

Uh… No not this one.

Then what is it?

It’s… It’s… A _right_ -handed oscillating wrench!

That it is. Now show me the left-handed one.

Here!

You’re starting to get a handle on this. I knew you weren’t completely braindead like the rest of them.

~ ~ ~ ~

Dum da da dum! Presenting, for the very first time, limited addition, special programing, one chaos-spree-only: THE GRINCH, AND HIS GRINCHETTES!!!

ruff!

I don’t care if you don’t like it, having a single grinchette sounds stupid so you’re just going to have to deal with it.

ruff-ruff!

Complain all you want the name’s not changing. It fits Cinders. She’s tiny, sickeningly cute, a clear sidekick to the main act – that is to say, _moi_ – and devoid of any gravitas.

ruff!

I thought gravitas was a good thing.

It is. All the way until you have too much of it. It’s a very fine line and you don’t know you’ve crossed it until someone starts throwing produce at you. I’ve been on both sides of the tomato. I’ve since moved out of my interpretive dance phase although I will admit it does sometimes pull me back in.

And I thought devoid meant none.

Correctamundo!

So shouldn’t I have gravitas too?

Kiddo, it is physically impossible for a four-year-old to have gravitas. The best you can hope for at your age is ‘precocious’. And even then if you overshoot it all you end up in is ‘troublingly unchildlike behavior’ and the next thing you know they’ve got you laying on some couch while some quack with a mustache and a beard that looks better on a goat tells you dreams are linked to a deep-seated fear of fried fish.

…What?

What?

You’re being weirder than normal Mr. Grinch.

It’s entirely possible. Now suit up! And remember, you’re on stink bomb duty.

~ ~ ~ ~

Hey there Cinders! You’re late!

Sorry! Dad needed help with the fruitcake sculpture.

That’s no excuse! Now come on we’re burning daylight!

~ ~ ~ ~

*Fhoom!*

–ack! hurrkk! urgk! Ghaugh! Smoke inhalation! Am I on fire? Is anyone on fire? I’m okay!

woeff!

Is my hair on fire? I’ve still got all my back hair right?

Uh… I think it’s all still there.

I’ll deal with it later. In the meantime, we’re going to get upwind of all this smoke, grab the long-handled tongs and the welding gloves and salvage what we can with an eye towards trying agai–

*BOOOM!*

…Okay. We’ll mark that as failure number 83.

We’re never going to get this right, are we?

Sure we will! *b-Boom* …Eventually.

It’s stupid, the sparkinator keeps oversparking but without it the conductor keeps overheating. And we _just_ got the grabble balanced and now it’ll overbalance _again_ and–

Hey. Where’s the annoying little munchkin who sparked the idea for the UpChuck with stupidly saccharine Christmas stories?

But the Grabblewhazzit was _my_ idea and you _said_ it was stupid and you said it’d never work but you let us try anyway and–

Do we need to go take a look at my wall of failure? I come up with failed inventions all the time!

Yeah but you give up easy. You usually give up after four or five tries then you get mad and throw it off the mountain. We’ve tried the Grabblewhazzit _eighty-three times._ I know a lot of my inventions are going to fail but I wanted my _first_ invention to– to– To not!

Cinders have you ever heard the phrase ‘If at first you don’t succeed’?

Yeah. Daddy says it to Drew and Stu all the time.

Well it’s a _lie!_ It implies that you _ever_ succeed the very first time! Science is nothing more than a series of failures, each more frustrating and soul-crushing than the last. Revel in the chaos Cinders. And take lots of notes. The only time you’re failing is if your notes get caught on fire.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Ding-Dong*

Oh good! You’re here! Perfect timing!

…Are you going to let me in?

Nope!

**. . .**

**. . .**

Are you going to come out here?

Also no!

Are you going to open the door at all?

That’s your job.

It’s locked.

That it is. Get to it.

**. . .**

Well? Hop to it I’m bored already.

…I can’t get in if the door is locked, Mr. Grinch.

* _siigh_ * And to think I was under the impression you were smart. I taught you lockpicking just last week. Or have you already forgotten?

I got past every lock you gave me. I even got through the Mayor’s office door. Or have _you_ already forgotten?

There we go! So here’s the deal. There is a key on the other side of the door. If you can pick the lock then you’ve earned the right to have it. You get in, or you don’t. Either way, I ain’t opening this door today. Think you can handle it?

Absolutely.


	6. And This Time I'll Keep it Off

*Click*

Whoville Emergency Services, how may I help you?

IT’S THE THIRD YEAR IN A ROW!!

Third– Sir, is this the _cookies_ again?

Yes! They were _frosted_ this year! Clearly they think their camouflage is improving. Well joke’s on them! They’re even less appealing than last year. Nothing was even burnt.

Frosted. And unburnt.

Isn’t that what I just said? Sheesh, is basic listening too hard for you people?

_And to think you’re the reason I have to be on-site every December twenty-sixth now._  
Have you ever considered someone simply… likes you and wants you to have a merry Christmas?  
_Seuss only knows why._

Likes me… and wants me to have a merry Christmas.

…Yes?

Likes me and wants me to have a merry Christmas.

Um, sir?

Likes me and wants me to have a merry Christmas.

Sir, are you alright?

Likes me and wants me to have – ahahahaha – _a merry – hahahahaha – a merry Christmas!_ Oh wow! Hahahahahahha!! Oh man that’s rich! Hahahaha– Did you hear this Max? A Merry– Wow are **you** stupid! Alright so I’m going to go find someone actually competent, namely myself, and _you_ can piss off to I don’t really care where. ~Bye~!

*Click*

~ ~ ~ ~

This is the most brilliant idea I’ve ever had!!

Um…

Don’t you think this is the most brilliant thing you’ve ever seen Cinders?

Uh–

What am I saying of course you do! I’m a modest man, I don’t tend to blow my own horn, wax poetic about my own excellence. No, I’m a simple, humble man. But this, this with change the course of the world itself!

Your math is wrong.

What? What the hell are you talking about Cinders, my math is always _perfect._ Other numbers would _weep_ to be so beautiful! Weep I tell you!

It’s wrong. Right there.

No it is not! Have I ever been wrong?

All the time.

Well I never– No respect. None at all. What is the world **_coming_** _to??_

You said idiots don’t deserve respect.

Are you calling me an idiot?

No–

Good.

–But you do accidently blow yourself up a lot for someone who’s supposed to be smart.

I’ll show you! It’s due for a test run anyway. We’ll fire it up and I’ll _prove_ how good my math is!

Don’t you want to at least check the numbers first?

No I do not. What do you take me for?

Someone who’s going to blow himself up. Again.

Fine! Give me that pencil!  
_Let’s see…carry the two…divide by four…bring that back around…subtract by the mass of…and you get–_

**. . .**

**Not.** One. Word.

woeff!

That goes for you too fuzz-face.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[I’m afraid I’m busy at the moment. But while you wait, have some culture. A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES!!! I’LL BEAT THEE BUT I WOULD INFECT MY HANDS!! MORE OF YOUR CONVERSATION WOULD INFECT MY BRAIN!! THOU ART A BOIL, A PLAGUE SORE!! THOU ART _UNFIT_ FOR ANY PLACE BUT **_HELL!!!_ ]**

* _sniff sniff_ * Mr. Grinch? I– * _sniff hiccup_ *

*Click*

Cinders?

**. . .**

Cindy?

* _sniff_ * Mr. Grinch can I– * _hiccup sniff_ * Can I come over?

**. . .**

Mr. Grinch?

Max and I will meet you in the main square under the sewage sign. We’ll talk about whatever’s making you… leaking… when we get back here.

Than–

No buts! You’re clearly in no state to climb a mountain by yourself. You’d end up falling off it. We’ll show you a better way up.

Thank you, Mr. Grinch.

If you want cookies or hot chocolate or any of that sort of stuff, you’d better bring them yourself.

*Click*

*Click*

~ ~ ~ ~

*Ding-Dong*

**. . .**

*Ding-Dong*

**. . .**

Mr. Grinch?

**. . .**

Mr. Grinch are you home?

GO AWAY!!!

*Cl-chnk*

*Cl-chnk*

Mr. Grinch? My key’s not working.

I changed the lock!

Wha– Why?

Because I don’t want you here!

**. . .**

*Ding-Dong*

I said go away! I’m having a crisis here!!

*Ding-Dong* *Ding-Dong* *Ding-Dong*

I can help!

Help? _Help?_ *Cl-thunk* *Creeeek* **_I’M UP HALF A SIZE!_**

**. . .**

_Well?_ Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?

You don’t look any fatter to me.

What.

It’s alright Mr. Grinch. My mommy worries about her size a lot too. And Daddy always says that everybody’s eaten too much fruitcake at some point or another. You’re still you, no matter what size you are.

Oh sure, yuk it up, let’s mock the Grinch – _I’M HAVING SERIOUS CARDIAC PROBLEMS THANKS TO YOU!!_

y-you are?

**Yes!** I am up half a size! More than half a size, almost two thirds of one – and it’s _all your fault!_

I– I– I’m sorry…

Hhhnghhh… *eeeek* Damage is already done. Might as well come in and try to off me quicker.

**. . .**

Hello?

**. . .**

Kid?

**. . .**

Cin–

*Thump Thump Thump thump thump thump thump th…*

**. . .**

**. . .**

She… left.

**. . .**

She didn’t say goodbye; she didn’t say she’d visit later she just… left.

rroorouu…

Maybe this time she won’t come back.

rrrroouuorrrooo…

Shut up. It’s a _good_ thing.

ruff!

_Yes_ it _is!_ Now, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Come on, let’s go prank call some orphans or something.

ruff-ruff!

Fine! Wait out here! Sit out here in the cold all day, freezing your tail off for _nothing!_ See if I care!

ruff-ruff!

I’m not in denial you are!

~ ~ ~ ~

Max! Time for bed.

rrrrrooorroouuuuoorrrooo…

I told you she wasn’t coming back. But who needs her! Little brat! She’s better off down there with the rest of those braindead merrymakers! Now get in here before I make you sleep outside.

rroouuoorrouu…

…she’s not coming back, Max. She’s… She’s better off down there.

rrroouuoo…

Come on boy. Let’s go to bed.


	7. Bleeding Hearts of the World Unite

*Ding-Dong*

**. . .**

*Ding-Dong*

**. . .**

*Cl-chnk*

*Cl-chnk*

*Cl-ch–*

*Cl–thunk* *Creeeek*

I told you I changed the lock.

I thought you might have changed it back.

Oh? And why ever would I do that?

So I could get in.

Maybe I don’t want you coming in. Now scram before I dig the child trap out. 

You wouldn’t have opened the door if you didn’t want me coming in.

Or I just know how annoyingly persistent you can be.

Or that. Can I come in?

No. Hey, what’s with the bag?

It’s for you. Spinach, kale, blackberries, blueberries and walnuts.

…What.

I looked it up and they’re supposed to be good for your heart.

I repeat. _What._

I’m supposed to help Daddy plan out Christmas cards so I’ve got to go, but I wanted to come by and give that to you so you could start feeling better.

That explains less than nothing.

Promise you’ll eat them, Mr. Grinch.

I– **_What._**

I hope you start feeling better; I’ll bring more with me next time! Bye!!

*Thump Thump thump th…*

**. . .**

This is just going to make everything **_woorrrssee._**

ruff!

Shut up. No one asked you.

woeff–woeff!

**_No this is not a good thing!_ **

~ ~ ~ ~

*Ding-Dong*

Mr. Grinch? I brought black beans, almonds, oranges and cherries!

You can go ahead and toss that away.

I’m not tossing it away. It’s good for you.

I’m feeling much better! So you can just go ahead! Chuck the whole thing! Just– Throw it! Straight off the mountain! And as far away from me as possible!

I’m still not tossing it away. Mommy says you’ve been sick you should be careful even when you start feeling better so the sicky germs can’t sneak up on you. That’s why you stay in bed for a day longer than you think you have to even when you really, really want to go out and play.

…So the _sicky germs_ … can’t sneak up on you. That might be the most sickeningly cutesy thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Fine, you can bring them in with you. Just know I won’t be eating it.

They’re good for you. They’ll help make you feel better.

That’s a lie people feed you to get you to eat things that are disgusting. But _fiiine._ I’ll wait until after you leave before I chuck it.

ruff!

Excuse you, what makes you think you’re a part of this conversation?

ruff-ruff!

Great. They’re ganging up on me. Eh, come on in and bring it on. I’ve faced worse.

*Cl-chnk*

The door’s still locked.

So it is.

And my key still doesn’t work.

So it doesn’t.

…Are you going to open the door…?

Here’s the deal. There is a key to the new lock on the other side of the door. If you can pick the lock then you’ve earned the right to have it. Think you can handle it?


	8. It's a Wonderful Night For Eyebrows

Happy Grinch Night!

Happy _what now?_

Grinch night!

…Alright Cinders, you’ve lost me.

The sour-sweet wind is howling. Which means the Gree-Grumps are growling, which means Punkers pond is runkling grunkling, which means the Hakken-Kraks are yowling, which means the Grinch is a-prowling. Which means it’s Grinch night! Can I come with you?

That explains absolutely nothing.

It’s Grinch Night.

Repeating it does not make it make any more sense.

You have to know about Grinch Night… _you’re_ the Grinch!

That I am. But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have one single clue what you’re talking about.

It’s… It’s _Grinch Night._ It’s when you go prowling through the streets and everyone locks all their doors and windows and hides inside until the wind stops blowing.

What the hell does wind have to do with it?

That’s how you know Grinch Night’s over and it’s safe to come out.

We’re going to put a pin in that for now. But rest assured we will be swinging back around to the fact that you people seem to think I can be defeated by wind.

That’s not– You’ve really never heard of Grinch Night before?

Nope. It’s a frame job I tell you. I’m being set up! How is it that everybody heard of this so-called ‘grinch night’? How do you know about it and not me? This is a flagrant undermining of the proper order of the universe.

There’s a video all about it. The emergency channel number 3 is playing it on a loop.

Well we’re definitely watching that immediately.

~

They’re really nailing down hard on that whole ‘stay inside and hide’ thing, aren’t they? Actually, that leads me to a question. If everyone’s so scared to be out and about how are you here? Shouldn’t your parents have locked you and your brothers in a padded panic room in a fit of moral-guardian fueled hysteria?

They think I’m asleep. I went to bed early and waited until they finished checking on me I snuck out the window.

Snuck out the window, I’m almost impressed. And how do you know they won’t check on you again and find you missing?

Uh-uh. They always check on me three times. Once with just Mommy, once with just Daddy and once together. I waited until they’d done all three.

How do you know that?

I’ve pretended to be asleep before.

Huh. Maybe we should think about getting you into acting. Never hurts to be able to bluff the cops with the old ‘helpless innocent’ routine. Never worked for me but you could probably pull it off. We’ll teach you how to cry on cue.

_~ ~I suggest we stay indoors tonight I suggest we lock ourselves in tight.~ ~_

Is there… **singing** in this?

Yes?

Your emergency PSA’s have **_singing?_** This is what’s wrong with society, right there.

_~ ~Tonight you know won’t go quite right. / You can tell by the smell of the wind.~ ~_

Hey buddy, whoever smelt it dealt it.

_Sweet-Sour wind across the tree stumps on the wrong side of Punkers Pond. Then that wind wakes up the Gree-Grumps from their sleep inside the tree stumps and all the Gree-Grumps start a-growlin’. And that growlin’ and that howlin’ runkles and grunkles up the pond._

Isn’t that part of the drivel you were spouting at me when you first showed up?

Well that’s how Grinch Night starts.

Funny, I’d imagine something named after me… would start with, oh, I don’t know… **_Me._**

I don’t know. That’s how I was always taught Grinch Night went. Maybe it has to work its way up to you. Like it’s all connected.

Like an ecosystem of awful.

Yeah! And– and it’s Grinch Night because you’re at the top.

I would be the apex predator. Alright, fine. This I can accept.

 _And then that Grinch starts in a-prowlin’_.

Is that… me?

Don’t be mad! I’m sure they didn’t _mean_ to make you look so ugly!

Cinders, what _are_ you talking about? it’s Perfect! They captured my snarl exactly!

_It’s a wonderful night for eyebrows._

Is that supposed to be my _voice!?_

_Max!_

This is a travesty! 

_Oh where is he?_

A crime against all things indecent and bad! 

_Ma~ax!_

I’ll sue! Just see if I don’t! This is defamation of character! 

woeff!

Eurgh… God that’s a sad-looking dog. He looks almost as bad as you.

ruff!

Sheesh! Can’t anybody take a joke! Seriously though, I got you that fancy de-thatching brush, use it.

ruff-ruff!

I want me one of those paraphernalia wagons. I don’t know what’s in it but it looks fun!

Mr. Grinch, please don’t kidnap another green-bearded schlottz and release it in the mayor’s house.

That was hilarious and you know it.

_And so I suggest we don’t stood here like sticks, call the Grinch Alarm Center. Dial area code five-one-nine-double O-six._

Grinch Alarm Center. Is that a real thing?

Uh-huh. The phone number’s real too. But we’re not supposed to call it unless it’s an emergency. That way the line’s free for people who need it.

We’re prank calling it. MAX!! GET DIALING!!!

ruff!

Max don’t get dialing! Mr. Grinch is just being silly!

woeff!

Traitor!

_I have infiltrated his territory, keeping sharp eyes upon this schnook._

…Mr. Grinch, why are you staring at me like that?

‘Infiltrated his territory, huh? I knew it! You’re a spy!!!

Mr. Grinch I’m not a spy.

Well _somebody’s_ infiltrated my mountain and I don’t see anyone _else_ around here.

I think that’s a lie they put in to make people feel better.

 _*Gasp*_ Your government _lied_ to you??? _Oh, say it ain’t so!! Whatever are we to **do?**_

_Mr. Grinch._

_~ ~I'm going to be the guest of honor! / At the exclusive Grinch night ball!~ ~_

…Cinders I want you to take this mallet and hit me as hard as you can. Don’t stop until I lose consciousness.

_~ ~ Gonna be the only dancer! / In the Whoville town hall!~ ~_

I’m not going to do that Mr. Grinch.

_~ ~I might enter the ball quite small! / Or I might go in quite tall!~ ~_

You are a cruel, sadistic child, do you know that?

_~ ~But I assure you nobody but nobody! / Is going to dance with me at all!~ ~_

We can turn it off.

_~ ~ When I enter front and center! / At the exclusive Grinch night ball!~ ~_

Nah. I’m _committed_ now. I have to know just how on fire this train wreck is.

_~ ~How many times have I said and said. / How many times have I said in my head. / What am I doing here?~ ~_

Is _Max_ singing now?

Uh-huh.

woeff!

_~ ~The fates that it anticipates! / His wagon wheel obliterates and decimates and flatanates! / Ten thousand little flowers!~ ~_

_Uh, missed one._

Going back to kill one flower. They really did a good job capturing my essence.

_He’s hunting down the wuzzy woozoo._

Cinders I’ve changed my mind. We’re not going to kidnap and release another green-bearded schlottzes. We’re going woozoo hunting! And _I_ won’t end up in a brickle bush. This thing is tarnishing my bad name.

_You know something, Grandpa Josiah?_

Why do we keep going back to this stupid family? Please tell me it’s like the beginning of a horror movie.

_Do I know what, Euchariah?_

Cinders, please tell me these are grinch-victims you’re supposed to feel for before they’re shockingly attacked.

_I gotta go to the Euphemism._

Cindy Lou, I want you to know that I blame you for this. Personally.

_The Euphemism? No one goes to the Euphemism on a night like this._

_But I gotta!_

Sheesh, doesn’t this house have indoor plumbing?

_Euchariah! Oh, come home, Euchariah!_

Yes!! Tell me the kid’s gone forever, never to be seen again. Ha! How’s _that_ for a cautionary tale!

He’s… not lost forever.

What’s with that tone? I don’t like that tone.

What tone?

Don’t get all cute with me. _That_ tone.

_Oh. A woozoo._

Oh no. Oh no no no no no.

_Oh. A doggy._

**No. No. No. _No._** Do **not** tell me this stupid singing PSA has a small precocious child in it. I already have one of those and one is **more** than enough! So you’re going to tell me I’m hallucinating and they are **not** about to–

_Who are you?_

_Euchariah Who, sir._

**NO!** NO NO NO NO NO!!

…We’re committed now?

I… _hate_ you.

_An optical condition in which parallel rays of light 'from an external source converge or diverge' unequally in different meridians._

This kid’s even more annoying than you are.

_You know, sir, I like you much better with my glasses off._

And even more of a brat too.

He’s standing up to the Grinch.

I take it back, you’re the brattiest brat to ever live.

From you that’s a compliment.

_He would have to save the town._

Oh no.

He’s the _hero?_

Is _this_ where you got the idea to come here from?

It _is_ isn’t it?

I was looking for Santa. And you know it.

Yeah but you kept coming back even after you knew.

That was because you’re funny. And Max. Mainly Max.

woeff-woeff!

Thank you Max. I love you too.

You’re both brats and I will not hesitate to kick you out of here.

Oh I’ve _got_ to get me one of those paraphernalia wagons.

**. . .**

Did I eat some bad sewage?

Not that I know of?

You didn’t sneak some more vegetables into my kitchen again.

Not since last time.

That was purposefully vague, don’t think I didn’t clock that.

Why do you want to know?

Because I have to be hallucinating.

You’re not hallucinating.

You’re not hallucinating.

Then what is going _ON???_

I’m… not actually sure.

_Well sir, according to all available statistics, when the sour-sweet wind stops howlin’ that always stops the Gree-Grumps growlin’. And the Gree-Grumps stop their growlin’ Punkers pond stops runklin’runklin’. And when Punkers pond stops runklin’runkin’ that always stops the Hakken Kraks from yowlin’. And when the Hakken Kraks stop yowlin’, you know what that stops. That stops the Grinch from prowlin’._

_Well I’ll be grinched. Well, I’ll be grinched._

Did he just give up?

Well, Grinch Night is over. He can’t prowl if it’s not Grinch Night.

This is shameless propaganda. I wouldn’t stop prowling just because of weather patterns.

_bark!bark!bark!bark!bark!bark!bark!_

Did that brat just steal Max?

I think Max ran away.

He did! He just **stole Max!**

_~ ~The nasty sour-sweet wind has blown away! / All the Gree-Grump growlin's growled itself away! / Gone is the Grinch up the mountain far away! / Hey gone is the Grinch that Grinch has gone away! / Sing halle hallelujah Grinch has gone away! / Sing halle hallelujah sing tra-la-pullyea! / Sing whoozaza pullyea up the mountain far away! / Sing halle hallelujah Grinch has gone away!~ ~_

That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

You’re the one who wanted to watch it.

There was a time when you would have apologized for putting me through that.

Never apologize. You taught me that.

Normally I’d be proud of your growth towards being able to stand up for yourself against unjust condemnation rather than fold under a societally conditioned false desire for politeness. But in this case I’m just annoyed. Is the wind still howling?

Yeah.

Great! Max! Hitch up the sled! Cinders! Go fetch the Grabblewhazzit mark 12! It’s _GRINCH NIGHT!!!_

~ ~ ~ ~

*Click*

Grinch Alarm Center, there are currently no reports of the Grinch being spotted. If you would like to make a report of a sighting please be as clear and detailed as possible.

So this is a real thing huh? I thought for sure it was a crock. The rest of the video certainly was.

I- I’m sorry, what was that?

Is basic competence too much to ask from emergency service workers? Apparently it is. I don’t know what I expected, I’ve been calling you people for years about potential poisoning but you never listen.

Poison…ing… Oh Seuss. It _is_ you.

Yeah. It’s me. _Cooke. Guy._

_Oh Seuss why._

Call in with reports of sightings – get the entire town working as gutless little stooges. It was the mayor’s idea, wasn’t it?

I- The mayor has always been very supportive in matters of public safety, especially where it concerns the Grinch-

I knew it! I knew it!! This has that lumbering waste of space’s greasy fingerprints all over it!

Is this a whole dedicated department, and if so what are you doing in it do they just bounce you around like pinballs over there?

It’s… it’s a dedicated number? But it’s still part of the emergency services center?

Then why have two numbers at all?

Organizational reasons…?

You don’t know, do you?

Sir, _look,_ the only time we really need to separate it out are Grinch Nights. Last week, when it was a Grinch Night _the worst we’ve had on record, I swear there was more than one of him out there_ we had a dedicated worker manning that line but outside of Grinch Night it’s not necessary.

Ah yes, Grinch Night. Shameless propaganda that is. Who do I talk to about filing a complaint?

I– _What?_

Okay seriously, who let you work in emergency services?

 _Sir,_ I have already given you all the information we currently have on the Grinch’s movements, so unless you have a sighting to report could you please hang up and-

Actually… I do have a sighting to report.

You do?

I do indeed. The Grinch was last seen less than two minutes ago, in Whoville. Specifically, breaking into the back entrance of the Emergency Services office.

That’s not funny. This isn’t a joke.

Who’s joking?

Sir, sir this isn’t fun–

*Click*


	9. Saving Christmas is a Lousy Ending, Way Too Commercial

*Click*

Whoville Emergency Services, how may I help you?

I’d like to revisit the poisoning angle.

 _*siiigh*_ Sir. Your Christmas cookies _are not poisoned._

Oh and I suppose you’re the foremost poison expert now, huh?

No, but–

Exactly. So how can you be so sure they _aren’t_ poison? _Huh? What’s that?_ You can’t.

Sir, I can in fact be sure they aren’t poison. Your secret Santa, an absolutely adorable little girl, stopped by earlier today and left a note in case you called. Again.

Cinders left a note? With _you people???_

Yes. Would you like me to read it?

I’m sure you already have, and had a good laugh all around the office at my expense too.

Sir. I promise you none of us have read it yet. We pride ourselves on our sanctity of personal privacy and the respect of the people we have sworn to help.

_That and Grace was too scared to!_  
 _Shut it, Nick!_  
 _You shut it Carol!_

Oh yeah. I can just feel the sanctity and respect from here.

Look do you want me to read it or not?

 _Fiiiiine._ What’s it say?

*rustle rustle* --Dear Mr. Grinch.--

_Did that letter just say Mr. Grinch?_

\--T–The cookies are not and have never been p– Poisoned. never been poisoned.--

_Wait no, Grace go back did it say Mr. **Grinch**_

\--You know I’m the one who’s been making them Mr. Grinch.--

_It did. Cookie Guy is the Grinch._

\--You could have simply asked me rather than bothering the emergency service workers every year--

_Who would bake cookies for the **Grinch?**_

\--unless you forgot, which now that I think about it is a pretty strong chance.

_I don’t know!_

\--I’m sorry if the cookies have been bugging you. I know you said they disturbed you that first year--

_Disturbed **him**?_

\--but I thought my baking had been getting better. I’ll stop leaving them for you if you want.--

_This has got to be some kind of prank, right?_   
_If it is it’s bad one._

\--Mer– _Oh Sweet Seuss._

_Grace?_   
_What is it? What’s wrong?_   
_What’s it say?_

Merry late Christmas Mr. Grinch.

_Should– should we be worried? Should we, I don’t know, call someone?_   
_Call **who** , Nick? **We’re** emergency services._

I can **hear** you.

Eeeep! *Click* *rrnng…rrnng…rrnng…rrnng…rrnng…rrnng…*

~ ~ ~ ~

~ ~Happy Birthday to You!~ ~

~ ~You live in a zoo!~ ~

~ ~You look like a monk~ey!~ ~

~ ~And you smell like one _too~oo!_ ~ ~

woeff-woeff!

Didn’t expect to see you here today.

Hi Mr. Grinch.

Hey. What’s with the long face? Aren’t small children supposed to be insufferably happy on their birthday?

I guess…

Shouldn’t you be down there surrounded by a throng of well-wishers?

I guess I just didn’t feel like it. My parents are making a birthday dinner in a bit but everyone else is sort of celebrated out. Christmas is over. Everyone else is planning for next year or figuring out a payment plan for their holiday debt.

That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. They have the choice to celebrate the literal only person of worth in that entire sink-hole and instead they blow it early on _Christmas?_ No one understands prioritizing down there, I swear.

I was supposed to be a Christmas present. But I was late. My pumbersella didn’t show up with the Christmas Eve wind. Lots of other kids did. I didn’t come until the next time the wind blew in almost a month later. And I was the only baby carried in on it.

Trust me kid, being a Christmas Eve baby isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Trust me, I’m a Christmas Eve baby; it stinks. Besides you said it yourself, lots of other brats floated down that night. You would have had to compete with all of them for birthday space. Not to mention – urgh – Christmas. No, **you** are special enough you needed a whole day just dedicated to you and nothing else. You arrived exactly when you were supposed to and anyone who thinks otherwise is an _idiot_ and can take it up with me personally.

I didn’t know your birthday was Christmas Eve. I’ll have to get you a birthday cake along with the Christmas cookies next year. I’ll even promise it won’t be poisoned.

Back to your normal, bratty self already I see. That didn’t take long. Had me worried there for a minute.

woeff!

You said it Max. If they can’t appreciate what they’ve got it then it falls to us. I’ve got some broken spring coils around here somewhere. Not as easily thrown around as streamers but way shinier.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[If an idiot leaves a message and no one checks it, do they still make a sound?]

Hey Mr. Grinch did I leave my red jacket there yesterday? I took it off when before I put on my dump climbing gear and now I don’t know where it is.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[No.]

Never mind I found it.

~ ~ ~ ~

*BOOOM*

No! Wait please don’t catch on fi– Damn it!

Who taught you to swear?

Uh, you did? You said fake swearing wasn’t allowed on the invention testing grounds.

That’s because fake swears are for wimps and cowards. We are bold! We are visionaries! We take great risks and leaps of faith! We–

Failed.

No we did _not._ Don’t you remember the rule for exploding inventions and failure?

The only time you’re failing is if your notes get caught on fire.

Exactly correct. So we couldn’t have failed because–

Our notes _did_ catch on fire.

…Really?

All of them.

Huh.

Yup.

**. . .**

**. . .**

So, as an _invention…_ that was a failure.

A super failure.

Right. Reframe. It’s not an invention, it’s _~performance art~_

I don’t think it works like that Mr. Grinch.

Of course it does. First of all performance art is whatever you say it is. And second of all performance art is only a failure if you decide it is because the goal can be whatever the hell you want.

So we meant to blow it up.

Yes.

Because it’s performance art.

Exactly.

Does that excuse work on anyone? Ever?

Ex-Excuse?! It’s not an _excuse!_

woeff!

I agree with Max.

 _Max_ has no culture. But I expected a more nuanced understanding from you Cinders.

woeff-woeff!

I agree with Max again.

Alright then smart girl, if it’s not performance art, what is it then? Hmmm?

Umm… Oh! I know.

Please, enlighten us.

A rehearsal. Bet we can set the next one up on City Hall’s roof.

Ooh, Cinders I like the way you think. After all, what good is a performance without an audience?


	10. 4:00 Wallow in Self-Pity, 4:30 Stare into the Abyss

*Beeeep*

[This is the voice of your doom. Dare waste my time and I will SHOVE YOU IN AN OVEN AND TURN YOU INTO YOUR OWN CHRISTMAS COOKIES!! Cinders, the sewer system’s been backed up all week, take the long way.]

~ ~ ~ ~

*…ump thump Thump Thump*

Hey there Cinders!

Where’s your ‘screaming into the universe’ phone book?

What? Not even a hello?

There it is. *pppphhhh–whump*

*Thump Thump thump thump…*

Oh sure, just come into my house, take my stuff and walk out. Didn’t even greet Max. When did you get so rude?

*…thump thump thump thump…*

Whoa there Cinders, slow down a little.

ruff!

See? Even Max agrees with me.

*flp-flp-flp-flp*

Hey, don’t just ignore me for my book. I demand an explanation.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!

arf!

Geeze-us! Sweet Seuss, what the heck was _that?_

rrrooorruuoo…

I can’t find my family’s names to yell them.

…Okay. Cinders, you do realize the book is a prop, right? I use it because I hate everyone and it ensures I don’t miss anyone. But if you already know what names you want to curse you can just skip right to that.

Oh.

But if you really want it… give me that. _*flp-flp-flp-flp-flp-flp*_ There. Lou Who and family. You wanna try that scream again?

Lou Who…I’M MAD AT YOU!!!

Betty Who…I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU!!!

Drew Who…IS A MEAN JERK!!!

Stu Who…IS A GIANT STINKY SUPER JERK!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!

There you go! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!

AAAAAAAHH!!

AAAAAAAHH!!

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!**

Feel better?

Yeah, I think so.

Good. I told you primal screams were good for you.

I’ve got some faulty whirlygigs Max and I found in the dump last week. I was going to strip them for parts but we could blow them up instead. If you get it just right they’ll spin up into the sky and explode mid-air.

…You… you’re not going to ask what’s wrong?

 _Seuss_ no. You know how I am with emotions. If you’re not starting it I’m sure as heck not going to. So, wanna blow things up until you feel better?

Yes please.

~ ~ ~ ~

*…umpthumpthumpThump* Mr. Grinch Mr. Grinch Mr. Grinch!

*Cl-thunk* *Creeeek*

Mr. Grinch Mr. Grinch! *phloof* I did it I did it I did it!

Gahgh! Gettoff me! What have I told you about _hugging_?

I did it I did it!

Dare I even ask what ‘it’ is?

I got the lead in the play!

woeff-woeff!

Max!! I did it!

woeff!

First of all, I’m sure he heard you the first five hundred times you said it. He’s not deaf. Although I might be after all this screeching. Second of all, are we supposed to be surprised? You’re the only one of any of those ankle-biters with anything resembling talent. Of course they put you in the lead. Who else would they have cast?

Lots of kids. And some of them were really good too.

Please. You’re a good actress but you are completely lacking a critical eye. Just blind consumption, no reflection on what’s put before you. I blame your upbringing. I’ve done what I could. Clearly, I’ve failed.

Mr. Grinch!

ruff!

So you’re really going to stand here and tell me that every one of those snot-nosed tinsel-brained cretins were good.

Well… Veronica Whovenport forgot her lines. And she had her script _in her hand_. It was pretty funny.

Did you laugh at her?

I didn’t mean to!

There is hope for you yet!

You’re not supposed to laugh at people.

I take it back you _are_ hopeless. Did you use that soliloquy from Titus that I taught you?

No…

* _Gasp_ * I’ve been _betrayed!!!_

It’s a fairy story Mr. Grinch.

So? Does that automatically bar you from imparting culture upon those filthy plebeians? Just because they wouldn’t know true art if it jumped up and bit them on the ass doesn’t mean–

_Mr. Grinch._

_Whaaat?_ It’s true. You know it, I know it. Hell, even Max knows it.

ruff-ruff!

Who asked you?

ruff!

Sheesh try to spread a little cultural enrichment and suddenly everyone’s jumping down your throat. Right. Come on. I think I figured out what caused the whizzlemajig to explode last time and I need you to –

I actually can’t stay.

…Come again?

I can’t stay. I have to rehearse. I just wanted to tell you I got the lead.

You’re telling me I’m going to be missing my best flunky for a _whole month?_

rrrooouu…

Don’t be sad Max. I’ll try to visit when I can.

rrrooouurrrooo…

What a drama queen.

And I’ll bring you lots of treats when I do.

You are aware he’s fleecing you, yes? I know you know better than that. I _taught_ you better than that.

I know. But he’s cute. Aren’t you Max? Yes you are.

woeff!

That’s it. Out. Shoo. Take the little con artist with you just stop infecting my house with your cutsy cooties.

…Hey, Mr. Grinch?

If the next words out of your mouth are about how dogs are ‘man’s best friend’ I’m getting out the child launcher, just see if I don’t.

Will you come see my play?

Say what now?

Will you come see my play.

… _Whyyyy?_

Because I want you to see it. Everyone else is coming to see it. The older kids even put on a song beforehand.

That sounds absolutely horrible. What kind of story is it anyway?

I just told you.

Look we both know I don’t _actually_ listen when you talk. Is anyone, maimed? Scarred? Killed? Horribly traumatized for the rest of their life? 

It’s a **_fairy story_** Mr. Grinch. The evil witch dies in the original script but the director decided that might be too scary so he changed it.

You’re kidding.

I argued for keeping it. I told him what you said, about how it’s not real theatre unless someone dies.

And?

He threatened to take my part away.

Welp, time to stink bomb your director.

You can’t stink bomb the director!

Of course I can. You’ve gone stink bombing with me, you know how easy they are to set up. It’s coordinating them to go off at the right time that’s the tricky part.

Mr. Grinch I meant you can’t as in you shouldn’t.

I’ve done everything I could to teach you the joys of stink-bombing. I put so much time and effort into it. But clearly you’re a lost cause.

So?

So what?

 _Soo_ , will you come see my play.

Look. I leave this place and go down into your little candy-coated twinkle-light _hellhole_ of a town for one reason and one reason only: causing mayhem, wreaking havoc and sowing the seeds of mayor _fatface’s_ downfall.

That’s three reasons.

Smartass.

Please Mr. Grinch?

Why do you even want me there?!?

Because I’m the lead. And I want you to see me in it. Because you encouraged me to try and you helped me rehearse my audition–

Which you didn’t use by the way

–and I never would have even auditioned for it. I want you to see it. I want you to be proud of me.

Alright. Let’s go put it on the calendar before you go. We’ll be the two in the back in the face-concealing hoods and cheap masks. Can’t go causing a panic and risking disturbing the performance.

Really?

Well I can hardly miss my protégé’s first performance, can I?

You’re the Best!

Eh, tell me something I don’t know.

Did you hear that Max? You’ll get to see my play!

woeff!

…And for the record Cinders, I… I’m always… I’m always p… pr… always a patron of the theatre. Now go on, get! You’ve the lead, you’ve got work to do!

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[Someone once told me that acting nothing more than a socially acceptable form of lying. To which I say: Great! The world could use more liars. **All Hail the Actors!!** ]

Um, Mr. Grinch? I know I asked you to come to my play but you don’t have to come. It’s not that big a deal. You really don’t have to. Maybe it would be better if you…didn’t. It’s just a silly play. And I, um… * _sniff_ * The truth is I – * _sniff sniff_ * They– * _hiccup sniff_ * I’m not the lead anymore. Veronica Whovenport, she, um, her daddy gave a lot of money to the theatre and, um, the director said he thought she’d be a better lead than me. So now she’s the lead and I’m… not. Anyway it doesn’t matter. I just thought you should know there’s no reason to come to the play anymore. I, um, I should go. Bye.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[The artistic integrity of the theatre is dead. Where once true talent graced the stage now it is buried under double dealing and nepotism. The favorite of the influential murder their scripts and are given standing ovations while the truly gifted are rewarded with the great honor of bit roles, if they be lucky. The theatre is dead, and **_you_** have killed it.]

Mr. Grinch, I know you’re upset they took the lead away from me. I was upset too. But that doesn’t mean you should have planted all those stink bombs in the director’s office. Or his car. Or Veronica’s mom’s car. Or the paint bombs under the stage. Or outside the dressing room. Or the director’s car again. It wasn’t nice.

~ ~ ~ ~

*Beeeep*

[The artistic integrity of the theatre is dead. Where once true talent graced the stage now it is buried under double dealing and nepotism. The favorite of the influential murder their scripts and are given standing ovations and the truly gifted are rewarded with the great honor of bit roles, if they be lucky. The theatre is dead, and **_you_** have killed it.]

Okay it was a little funny. Veronica screeched and the director _still_ smells a bit like rotten eggs.

**. . .**

Thank you, Mr. Grinch.

~ ~ ~ ~

Ya know, there’s a question that’s been gnawing at my brain for a while now.

What’s that?

Where exactly do your parents think you are when you’re here anyway?

When I first visited–

Invaded.

 _Visited,_ I told my mom I was going to go say hi to Santa.

And she believed you? Wait, of course she did. I forgot to factor in the average intelligence of the masses down there.

_Mr. Grinch._

‘No. I refuse to be guilt-tripped by the likes of you. So what did you tell them after you found out I _wasn’t_ Santa? Nauseatingly honest infant that you were I’m sure you said _something_.

I don’t really remember. It was kinda a long time ago.

 _A long time ago?_ It was barely three years ago.

That’s half my entire life Mr. Grinch.

Gagh– Way to make me feel **_old_**.

You _are_ old.

 _You take that back right now young lady!_ Hasn’t anyone taught you anything about respecting your elders?

You said I should spit in their eyes.

That you should. Their reflexes are shot and that makes it harder for them to dodge. But we’re getting off track. You. Parents. Not-Santa. Explanation.

I think I said something to the effect of how you weren’t really Santa after all and how great Max is.

woeff!

Oh sure, that’s what it all boils down to, isn’t it? The **dog**.

Yep.

You’re not supposed to _admit it_.

Never lie when you can taunt. That’s what you always say.

I am so proud right now.


	11. Why For 53 Years I've Put up With it Now

You want me to _what?_

Be the holiday cheer-meister!

Alright, what did you eat? Is this an induce vomiting-type situation or a break into poison control-type situation?

Mr. Grinch I’m being serious.

I know you are. Hence my belief accidental hallucinogens have to be involved somewhere. On a scale of normal dingy darkness to florescent rainbow swirls how glowy is the room right now?

I haven’t eaten anything weird, I haven’t drunk anything weird, I haven’t hit my head, or anything else you can think of. You won the nomination for holiday Cheer-Meister, won’t you come down to accept the award and lead the celebration?

 _Award?_ Now we’re talki– **_Wait._** Are you trying to bribe me with shiny things and meaningless accolades?

Is it working?

I’ve trained you too well. Alright, let’s say, _strictly for arguments sake,_ that I attend this Whobly-wobbly–

Whobilation.

Whatever. And when it inevitably goes horribly, _horribly_ wrong, what then? _Hmmmm_?

You always say you can’t get close enough to the big Christmas tree in the square to smash it.

Cinders are you suggesting massive property damage and the destruction of a beloved yuletide symbol?

Maybe…?

I knew you’d see the light some day! We’ll need a plan for maximum chaos in the shortest span of time. Max!! Get the blueprints! We’ll have the element of surprise but after that’s spent we’ll be on the clock.

Mr. Grinch! I’m not saying you _should_ destroy the tree.

Wha– Yes you are! You’re the one who suggested it!

Insurance. In case it goes really, really bad. Which it _won’t_.

You’re willing to offer up the big tree as, what, _collateral?_ All for what, to get me to be king of the idiots for a day?

Yes.

_Wwhhhyyy???_

It’s just a tree. It’s– That’s not what Christmas really _means_. At least, I don’t think it is. The tree’s just a thing Mr. Grinch. Getting you to be happy is more important.

Destroying the tree would make me happy.

 _Mr. Grinch_. Be serious.

I am being serious. As serious as a heart attack.

That’s **not** funny.

Jeeze, complain of massive cardiac problems one time and never live it down.

I just want you to be happy on Christmas.

This really means that damn much to you?

Yes.

 _Fiiiiinnneee._ I guess I’ve got no choice. What time did you say this Whobilation thing is?

Really?

So long as saying yes will get you to cut out the big-eyed, lip-wobble _thing_.

You’re the best Mr. Grinch!

Yeah yeah, tell my something I don’t know. Just know when it inevitably goes to crap I’m going for the tree first.

Nothing’s going to go wrong.

Yeah, right. I’m not holding my breath.

You’ll see Mr. Grinch, this’ll be the best Whobilation ever!

~ ~ ~ ~

*knock-knock*

**. . .**

*knock-knock*

**. . .**

*knock-kn–*

_Go Away!_

Sweetheart? Dinner’s ready.

**. . .**

Don’t you want to come down and have Christmas Eve dinner with the rest of the family? We’re just about ready to pull the Christmas Crackers. All we’re missing is you.

**. . .**

I know you’re upset but you should really eat something.

**. . .**

Snowflake? Will you at least open the door and talk to me?

**. . .**

Cin–

Go away.

…I’ll bring a plate of food up for you, okay?

~

*knock-knock*

Snowflake? It’s me again. Dad. I brought you some food. Roast beast, who pudding and apples. All your favorites. Sure you don’t want to open the door and have even a couple bites?

**. . .**

I’ll just, I’ll just leave it next to your door for you.

**. . .**

I’m here for you if you want to talk. Or not talk. If you just want someone to sit with you I’m here for that too.

**. . .**

**. . .**

**. . .**

Alright Snowflake. I’ll be in the living room if you change your mind.

They laughed at him. He was just there to celebrate Christmas. And they laughed at him and made fun of him.

Oh Cindy Lou… Sweetheart, I know you always want to see the best in people and that is such a good trait to have. But sometimes, sometimes not everyone has good in them to find. The Grinch he’s– He’s one of those people. You tried to spread Christmas cheer where there was none and it was the sweetest, best, most Christmas-y thing you could have done. But just because you wanted to share Christmas with him doesn’t mean he’s capable of it. I mean, he wreaked havoc through all of downtown. He crashed two cars, a bicycle, and a flower cart. He set the great tree in town square on _fire_.

**. . .**

I know it’s hard, when things don’t work out like we hoped. But it’ll be okay, I promise. It might not have worked out but I’m still so, so _proud_ of you Cindy Lou Who. For reaching out. For trying. You did what no one else was brave enough to. And for a second there it almost–

Leave me alone. Please.

Okay, Snowflake. I’ll just leave the plate out here in case you want it. I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.

**. . .**

It’ll be okay, sweetheart. You’ll see. Tomorrow is Christmas. It’s practically here.

~ ~ ~ ~

We set the damn tree on fire and they’re already putting up a new one! Why do they even have a spare tree! They don’t care at all!

rroouuoorrouu…

Bunch of cretins, the lot of them! And Mayor Fart-Breath’s the worst of all of them! ~ _The gift of a Christmas shave~_. I should have set him on fire instead of the tree. They don’t care about anything! Except their precious _stuff._ They didn’t even care when a little girl ran away cr… Ran away cry… Ran away.

rroouuoorroouuuoo…

I tried to warn Cinders, I did! For years I’ve told her how _horrible_ Christmas is, but does she believe me? Nooo! She had to go find out for herself! I did my best to shield her from it, to teach her how to protect herself but one flash of tinsel and suddenly it’s like she’s two years old again, knocking on strangers’ doors looking for _~Santa~_.

rroouoruou…

That’s it. That’s the last straw! I don’t care what we promised Cinders, that was before they– Before she–

rroouuoorroouoourruuoooo…

No more Max. No more. Why for fifty-three years I’ve put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming…

…but **_How?_**


	12. Christmas Day is in Our Grasp

Alright, let’s go. Let’s steal Christmas.

Now, what house should we hit first?

woeff!

Cinders’ house?

woeff-woeff!

…we can hit her house last.

ruff!

No! We’re hitting her house last and that’s final.

rrrRRRrr…

~ ~ ~ ~

Mr. Grinch? What are you doing?

…I’m not the Grinch, I’m Santa.

Mr. Grinch I know it’s you.

_…noooo…_

Mr. Grinch why are you taking our tree?

Why, my sweet little tot, there’s… a light on this tree! That won’t light on this side. Yeah, that’s it. I’m taking it home to my workshop my dear. I’ll fix it up there then bring it back here. Because I’m Santa.

You’re still not Santa.

Yes I am.

I’m going to start referring to you as nothing other than Santy Claws from now on.

Alright fine. I’m stealing Christmas. It’s been a thorn in ou– my– _our_ side for too many years. So I’m stealing all the Christmas stuff and therefore Christmas right along with it.

Can I help?

Wh– _Really?_

Yes. I’ve been trying to find where Christmas went. I thought maybe I could find it by helping you find it. But you were right. Christmas is just about the gifts. Nothing else. And I– And there’s nothing magic in that.

Alright! Let’s Steal Christmas! See Max I told you it was a good idea to swing by Cinder’s house first.

ruff!

~ ~ ~ ~

We did it Cinders! We turned Whoville into the town Santa Claus forgot!

And then some!

Yeah we did! Put’er there! Couldn’t have done it without you kiddo. I mean, yeah I probably could have but with you with me we were like a well-oiled Christmas destroying machine!

woeff!

Ya know, you didn’t make a half-bad reindeer. It would have been more convincing if _somebody_ hadn’t objected to having you actually pulling the sled but eh. I’m not bitter or anything. I swear.

We’re not having Max pull a four ton self-propelling sled.

Spoil-sport.

Next year we can make a team of robot reindeer for it.

Next year? You don’t think this’ll crush their spirits completely? I bet they’ll cry until March.

Yeah but then they’ll probably try to make up for it by making the next year even bigger. Like with the tree.

You’re probably right. They’re too stupid to give up.

Well we don’t give up either. You taught me that. When someone knocks you down you use the position to grab dirt to throw in their eyes. When someone tries to make you sad you get angry. When someone wrongs you you don’t let go.

You hold that grudge forever. You’ve learned well Cinders.

I’ve learned from the best. Hey! I think the sun’s starting to come up.

Can’t say I’ve ever been one for sunrises. But hey, it’s a new and glorious morn. Park yourself some snow Cinders. Time to enjoy the holiday.

**. . .**

**. . .**

It really is beautiful, isn’t it?

Eh, I’ve seen better. It’s really just a giant ball of constantly exploding gasses anyway. Actually, now that I think about it it’s not that bad.

**. . .**

**. . .**

Maybe, maybe _this_ is what Christmas is supposed to feel like.

Like robbing every commercial yuletide trapping we could get our grubby little hands on?

No. _This._ You and me and Max, sitting here, together.

I knew I shouldn’t have let you eat all those cookies we stole.

Well either way I’m glad I’m here.

I’m glad you’re here too.

Was that a _feeling_ Mr. Grinch?

No. Shut up.

I think it w~as.

woeff-woeff!

What? _Me?_ ppffffph~!!! _Nooo._ … Who asked you anyway? Now shush. They’ll be waking up any minute now and I don’t want to miss it.

What do you think’s going to happen?

I know just what they’ll do. Their mouths will hang open a minute or two. Then those Whos down in Whoville will all start bawling their socks off!

…do you really think they’re going to start crying?

Oh absolutely! No doubt about it! You really think any of those blundering blockheads down there can handle even the smallest drop of disappointment? They’ll start squalling the second they realize their precious _stuff_ has all up and left! The weather outside your little Christmas bubble is frightening Whoville! And you know what? Let it snow let it snow! Cause baby, it’s cold outside and there ain’t _nothing_ keeping any of you warm anymore! I’m sure crushing disappointment will give way to numb apathy eventually. Until then they’ll have to muddle through somehow. Ooh! Maybe they’ll get litigious. Grandpa’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa! Oh what a beautiful sound it’ll be.

Should we feel bad? About making everyone else cry?

Wh– Don’t you go getting soft on me now. You said you’ve been trying to find where Christmas went? Did you find it down there? With all those lights and those gifts?

…No. No I _didn’t._

A pair of hopalong boots and pistol that shoots, dolls that can talk and can go for a walk. A turkey and some mistletow. We don’t need any of that stuff! We don’t need it and we don’t need Christmas! You’ve got me!

And you’ve got me!

woeff!

And we’ve both got Max!

And what do those chumps down there have, huh? Nothing! Nothing but empty hands! Cinders, the people down there, they’re not like us. Softhearted in all the worst ways. One little nudge and they’re bruised all over and running home crying to mommy to buy it better. Us, we’re tough, we know how to pick ourselves back up. We know how to hit _back._ We don’t get hurt. We don’t let them.

We hit back harder.

Twice as hard!

They can’t hurt us!

Exactly! Decking the halls with boughs of holly! It’s the only way they know to be jolly! _Well we don’t need that! And we took it! What have you got now!! Huh! Let’s see who notices when **you’re** the one running off crying!_

Mr. Grinch noticed! He set the tree on fire!

Damn right I did!

All any of you cared about was that stupid Whobilation and that _big stupid_ **_tree!!_**

It’s firewood now! Up in smoke!

Mr. Grinch came to the Whobilation because _I_ asked!

You think I ever would have gone down there to your seething cesspit of spirit otherwise!

He was the Holiday Cheer-Meister and you laughed at him and mocked him! You made him feel like he didn’t belong all because _you_ didn’t **want** him to!! _Well who’s laughing now!!!_

Not them!

_We took your stupid tree!!_

Two for one special!

_We took your jingtinglers!_

Yeah we did!

_We took your floofloovers! We took your tartookas we took your whohoppers we stole yougardookas!!_

She stole your trumtookas!

He stole your slooslunkas!

There’s no more blumbloopas!

There’s no more whowankas!

Tbere’s no more who pudding, no rare who roast beast!

Pop guns! Pampoogas! Pantookas and drums! Checkerboards! Bizilbigs! Popcorn and plums! We took _all of it!!_

Everything!!

_You Want Christmas? Then GO FIND IT YOURSELF!!!!!!_

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!**

hyuhyuhyuhyu…

Feel better?

I think so. Do you?

Are you kidding? This is on track to be the best Christmas ever! I got to rob the town blind, scream at the universe in victory for once rather than despair and I’m sitting here in the snow freezing my keister off with the only person worth it.

woeff-woeff!

Only two people. _Happy now?_

woeff!

I think I hear something!

Alright here we go! 

They’re… singing.

They’re _what?_

They are. They’re singing.

Singing! Why are they singing? _What_ are they singing!

They’re singing a Christmas carol. The really old one that…

I don’t get it!

That no one has time for anymore.

They shouldn’t be singing! They should be devastated!! Where are the cries of heartbreak? Where are the wails of disappointment? 

Christmas is their lifeblood down there! They don’t have the emotional stamina to just bounce back from a blow like that!

It used to be my favorite.

We’d all sing it.

I don’t get it!

Christmas morning.

_Somehow or other it came just the same!!_

We’d all join hands and sing that song.

How could it be so?

Before we did anything else.

It came without ribbons!

Daddy says the whole town used to gather around and sing it.

It came without tags! 

Then they… stopped.

It came without packages boxes or bags!

And now they’re singing.

Maybe Christmas…

Everyone’s always too busy.

Doesn’t come from a store.

With gifts and lights and shiny baubles.

Maybe Christmas…

Maybe they were looking for Christmas too.

Perhaps…

They just didn’t know it.

means a little bit more.

And maybe now they’ve found it again.

**. . .**

Ghauh!!

Mr. Grinch?

AauAAauah!

Mr. Grinch are you alright?

_OOooooww!!!_

Mr. Grinch!

arf-arf!!

I’m… _feeling!!_

woeff!

Mr. Grinch get up!

bwahhahahahawwhbwah!!

woeff!

…Are you okay?

Yes. No. Yes. Everything hurt and my chest feels like it’s on _fire_ but at the same time I’ve never felt better. Ya know, for some reason I get the feeling that probably should have been more painful than it actually was.

…You’re kind of scaring me.

I’m scaring me too. I’m all toasty inside. And I’m leaking. I almost feel… _happy._ Aah! Cinders! I love ya kiddo!!

woeff!

Max! I love you too buddy!

woeff-woeff!

*phloof* We love you too Mr. Grinch.

Alright! Alright! That’s enough, get off of me.

hehe. It’s okay Mr. Grinch. We still love you.

Yeah, yeah. One step at a time, okay kid? I’m still not sure I’m not going to collapse from complications of a suddenly enlarged heart or something.

Hey Mr. Grinch?

Yeah?

I think we found Christmas.

I think we might have.

I think they did too.

I think they might.

We took everything.

We did. We really, really did.

We should take it back, shouldn’t we?

*sigh* Yeah Cinders, we should. *siigh* Alright. Everyone in the sleigh. Let’s get ready to drive this sucker back down. It’s a good thing I didn’t let you park it too close to the edge. _That_ could have been a problem. Now we’ve just got to deal with the mob of townsfolk and hope they don’t turn into a literal mob before we can return everything to its rightful place.

Don’t worry Mr. Grinch. You’ve got me.

And you’ve got plausible deniability.

Spontaneous altruistic singing aside we stole every single Christmas decoration, toy and bauble in the entire town. Lean into the innocent, bighearted but none too bright child bit.

We stole it together, we’ll apologize together.

…Okay. Together.

~ ~Fahoo forays, dahoo dorays~ ~  
~ ~Welcome Christmas, come this way~ ~

Are you singing now too? Is there some kind of town-wide mental link think I wasn’t aware of?

It’s Christmas Mr. Grinch. It’s really, truly Christmas!

…huh. I guess it really is.

~ ~Fahoo forays…

…Dahoo! _Dorays!~ ~_

~ ~Welcome Christmas, Christmas day!~ ~

~ ~Welcome, welcome, fahoo ramus~ ~

~ ~Welcome, welcome, dahoo damus~ ~

~ ~Christmas day is in our grasp~ ~

~ ~So long as we have hands to clasp~ ~

Ready to go Cinders?

Yep!

Max?

woeff!

Alright, let’s go save Christmas.

What are you doing?

Holding out my hand?

Why?

So you can hold onto it.

Why?

To make you feel better?

Just because I suddenly have a too-big squishy heart doesn’t mean I’ve suddenly become an overemotional sap?

Does that mean you don’t want to hold my hand?

I never said _that._

Mr. Christmas Mr. Grinch.

…Merry Christmas Cindy Lou.

woeff!

Today it is Christmas  
The Yuletide is near  
Today it is Christmas  
It’s already here

And if you are someone  
Who Christmastime gets you down  
Remember, no matter what anyone says  
It’s okay to frown

Today it is Christmas  
A time of good cheer  
Today we reach out  
For all we hold dear

And for those are stuck  
Away far from home  
You’re held close in their hearts  
And are never truly alone

Today it is Christmas  
A time to be merry  
In a world often cruel  
Too big, mean and scary

So hold onto that warm, bright Christmas light  
Hold onto it fast and hold onto it tight

So when times are darker and nothing is right  
You’re not all alone  
That’s light’s still in your sight

Most of all hold out _hope_  
And a hand  
For as the Grinch goes to show  
It’s never too late for a small heart to grow

Today it is Christmas  
(It’s been here since October)  
Today it is Christmas  
Then tomorrow it’s over

The tinsel gets packed up  
The frenzy will cease  
And then (finally)  
We’ll perhaps all find some peace

And so my dear friends  
Whatever you do  
 ** _Merry Christmas_**  
From Cindy and Max  
And yes, the Grinch too.


End file.
